Entering Dangerous Territory | Part Three

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Last week I began unpacking my journey through “Resisting Gossip: Winning the War of the Wagging Tongue,” by Matthew Mitchell. We looked at the first part of his one-sentence summary of the Bible’s teaching on gossip:

“Sinful gossip is bearing bad news behind someone’s back out of a bad heart.”

Today we pick up where we left off…


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What does “behind someone’s back” mean?

We all know gossip happens when you are talking (or listening) about someone who is not there. We find it much easier to talk about someone else when they aren’t around don’t we? Not only is it easier, it’s more intriguing. This is the first red flag we should look for. This is the first sign that we are entering dangerous territory. This is our first check point.

Mitchell urges us to ask ourselves some questions before we talk or continue to talk about someone who is not present.

-Would I say this if he were here?

-Would I receive this bad news about her in the same way if she were present?

-Am I hiding this conversation from someone? (If you use the phrases “I shouldn’t be telling you this”, or “I know you won’t tell anyone else about this”, or “don’t tell anybody else I’m telling you this” to start off your conversation about another person, that is a good indicator that you shouldn’t be telling it, and if you hear those phrases you probably shouldn’t be listening to it).

-Would I want someone else to talk this way about me if I were out of the room?

Pretty convicting questions huh? But they are so practical. Such great weapons to keep close at hand as we engage in battle with gossip. I encourage you to write these down, or memorize them and try to apply them to your life this week. They will reveal your tendency to gossip and make you more aware of how much you engage in gossip (whether on the talking or listening side).

There is one more thing to be said here though, something that gets misunderstood. The Bible does not teach that we should never talk about people who are not present, rather it warns us to be careful what we say. Of course we should praise other people when they are not with us, we should turn gossip around and spread good news about people instead! Another time it is appropriate is under “the biblical principle of warning others…parents, teachers, elders and pastors, even friends, teammates, coworkers and neighbors all have to do that sometimes.” The biblical principle of warning others is also touched on later in the book, so once I get there I will unpack that a little more on the blog as well.

Finally, sometimes when we are seeking wise counsel from people about our conflicts, struggles, and problems we may need to share shameful things that someone else has done without them being present. This is not sinful gossip if you are truly seeking out help. But there is a fine line here. Often times we are tempted to mask our desire to gossip by labeling it “seeking counsel.” This is the area in which I have felt the most confused about gossip.

Since I was in elementary school I have found that people gravitate towards me to confide in and seek out wisdom and counsel, a gift I know is from the Lord. I so enjoy being that for people, but I can remember countless times when I have felt as though I know information about someone that I shouldn’t know, information that has tainted my view of someone because of what was shared by someone else. I know many times I have felt like “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this information.” Most of it over the years I have held it inside because I haven’t wanted to share it, because people don’t confide in you so you can go tell other people. But it wears on you at times, it’s something you really have to ask The Lord to help with, to help you see people through grace-filled eyes. We must remember that we are only hearing one side of the story at times. I’ve come to find the antidote to this is finding and focusing on one good thing about the person you’ve heard shameful things about. And of course, we must remember that there are shameful things about us too. The ground is even at the cross.

As I seek counsel, as I struggle in my relationships with others, I have always tried to make an effort to talk more about what I am struggling with and my wrongs in the situation than focusing on the wrongs of the other person. Sometimes I fail, I fall into gossip disguised as “seeking counsel.” But the more I make a conscious effort to seek out what I need to work on in my relationships, the sin in my heart, the reasons why I feel hurt or angry or jealous toward someone else, the easier it is to seek wise counsel in a healthy way, a way that leads away from gossip instead of close to the line.

When I got married (and even when I was dating my husband), one thing I vowed to myself was I would always strive to only talk positively about my husband in public. I never want to be the reason someone’s view of my husband is tainted. But the thing is, I struggle in my relationship with my husband. There are conflicts, there are hard things, there are things that annoy me and things that hurt me, there are things that breed tension, there are things that I need to seek wise counsel on. And in these moments I make a sincere effort to focus on the struggle at hand more than the one I struggle with, I make a conscious effort to paint my husband in a positive light, even when I am sitting across from a friend or mentor seeking wise counsel. It’s not easy to keep that vow to only talk positively about my husband all the time, but that doesn’t mean I stop striving towards it. So should it be with any person.

One final note on this: It is important to choose wisely who we seek wise counsel from. Honestly, there are people in my life that I will never talk to about my struggles with my husband or other relationships I have. There are people of mine that I will never talk to about certain relational sin struggles I have. Why? Because I have found that with certain people it is easier for me to veer off the “seeking counsel” road and end up on the gossip trail. Or if someone has shared gossip to me, I know they will share it about me. Also we can get counsel from anyone, but not everyone will give wise counsel. As a rule of thumb, when a situation arises that we need wise counsel in, there are three things the person should posses: a fear of God (for the fear of God is the begging of wisdom and God is the giver of wisdom), the view that Scripture is supreme, and in most cases (if not all) you should seek wisdom from someone who has experience in the same situation you are seeking counsel on. As much as your single friend would like to give you marriage advice, there are just some situations they cannot speak into like a seasoned married person can. As much as they would love to seek wise counsel on how to handle a conflict with your boss, your atheist friend from high school cannot speak into your life about the Biblical principles of confronting conflict.

“They key to sharing circumstances with people in a right way is to keep loving others even when we have to talk about them and even if they are our enemies…simply put, we just need to apply Jesus’ Golden Rule to any difficult situation. If you have to talk about someone when they are not present, make sure that you are treating them as you would want to be treated.”


Join me next time as we touch on the final part of the definition of gossip… “out of a bad heart” and sift through why we gossip.

And as you go through this week, here’s some questions to reflect on:

-Why do you think it’s easier to talk about someone behind their back?

-How are you going to implement the questions Mitchell gives in your conversations to help you fight against gossip?

-Are you masking your want to gossip by labeling it “seeking wise counsel?” Who can you seek out when you need wise counsel who will keep you from veering to the gossip trail?

-Do you believe Jesus is better than gossip?

-Do you believe God is powerful enough to overcome gossip in your life?

Entering Dangerous Territory|Part Two

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A few weeks ago I invited you along on my journey into the dangerous territory of gossip. Since then, I have dove into a book I ordered and have found some answers to the questions I presented in my initial post. Today I start unpacking what I’ve discovered through my reading…

(Much of this is summarized or quoted from the book with a little of my own thoughts here and there).


“Gossip is something that we all experience. No one is safe from its tantalizing lure. No one is safe from its poisonous effects.” –Matthew Mitchell

If nobody is safe, then the battle is everyone’s.

Facebook. Twitter. Magazines. Conversations. Work. Home. School.

Proof that gossip is everywhere.

I’ve never heard a sermon on gossip, but I see it in the Bible, and I know it is wrong.

What is gossip? What makes it wrong?

I’m confused on what gossip is and what it is not, because it is hard to define.

If we are going to battle, we must first know our enemy.

In his book, “Resisting Gossip: Winning the War of the Wagging Tongue,” Matthew Mitchell offers a one-sentence summary of the Bible’s teaching on gossip:

“Sinful gossip is bearing bad news behind someone’s back out of a bad heart.”

Let’s take a look at the first part of the definition…

What is “bearing bad news”?

“…sharing, communicating and transmitting stories. These stories flow in both directions: talking and listening…It is often sharing someone else’s secret…It is a betrayal by talking…Sometimes just receiving that spicy piece of gossip without stopping the conversation (or, at least, saying something) is sinful—almost as sinful as speaking it.”

And what is considered to be “bad news”?

“The content of sinful gossip is never neutral.”

Mitchell groups bad news into three categories:

  • Bad information: Bad information is lies, things that are not true. And if we know they aren’t true and we keep on spreading them, we are no longer just gossiping but we are also slandering. Ever play the telephone game? One whispers something in someone’s ear and the information gets passed from person to person. When it reaches the final person they say the info out loud. Rarely does it make it all the way through intact. Somewhere along the line the information gets cloudy, twisted. So it is with gossip. Things get passed through the grapevine and false rumors get spread. “Bad” information can also be something that you think is true but really is not. You make a conclusion or infer something that is unverifiable and you pass it along, you gossip. The Bible promises that “a false witness will not go unpunished, and he who pours out lies will not go free” (Proverbs 19:5).

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  • Bad news about someone: This type of bad news is “shameful truth,” a true story about something bad someone has actually done. “Some of us have been taught that if something is true, then it’s not gossip. Not so. Gossip is also foolishly spreading that awful truth about someone.” You hear about something bad a friend has done, maybe even a friend told you about it himself. Lying to a spouse, lying to a friend, cheating on a test, cheating on a someone, smoking, getting wasted, stealing from work, premarital sex, a certain sin struggle they are walking through, and the list goes on. Newsflash! Just because you hear about it doesn’t mean you have to talk about it with someone else. Proverbs 11:13 says that “a gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.” But that’s hard for us isn’t it? It is hard to resist. The Bible even says “the words of a gossip are like choice morsels,” or in other words the words of a gossip are like your favorite piece of food. And we all know it’s hard to resist our favorite foods. My mouth is even starting to water right now thinking about mine! But, like most of our favorite foods, “bad news is attractive but not good for us.” Gossip is hard to resist, but Jesus is better.
  • Bad news for someone: “A third kind of bad news is neither false nor true but is a projection of something bad happening to someone.” Ever heard or said these (or similar) lines?

“He’s going to lose his job.”

“He’s not going to make the team.”

“He’s going to fail the class.”

“She’s going to get kicked out of school.”

“Her husband is going to leave her.”

“They’re going to lose their house.”

“He’s going to break up with her.”

 Bottom line, these projections are all gossip.

So whether we are bearing bad information, bad news about someone, or bad news for someone, by either listening or talking, we are endanger of gossiping.


Join me next week as we look at the next part of the gossip definition…. “behind someone’s back…”

And as you go through this week, think about these questions:

-Are you usually on the talking or the listening side of gossip?

-Which category of gossip do you find yourself participating in most often?

-Do you believe Jesus is better than gossip?

-Do you believe God is powerful enough to overcome gossip in your life?

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A Little Change

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When I first sought out on this journey, this blog, I had committed to blog everyday for an entire month to get my momentum going. That goal was achieved. Two and a half months later, the number of days I haven’t posted something can be counted on one hand.

My season has changed since I started the blog. Back then I had more time on my hands. Now, I’m grasping for more time. We all have the same amount of time in a day, but we all manage it differently, we all have different demands. 
When the blog started I committed to be disciplined in blogging. A few weeks later I committed to be disciplined in running. And a few weeks later I committed to be disciplined in my new place of employment. But I’ve slowly seen myself becoming less disciplined in other areas of my life. 
That’s the thing with being committed, being disciplined…there’s only so much you can give. And when something else takes up a chunk of your time, something has got to give. The more disciplined you become in one area, the less you become in others. It’s not something you consciously do, it’s something you slip into.
So, it’s time to realign my priorities. As much as I love this blog, posting every day is just not wise any more. I never wanted this to become something I felt like I had to do but something I got to do.
I know my blog isn’t this thing that thousands of people flock to each day. Nobody expects me to blog every day. They probably don’t even have time to read it everyday. But I guess somewhere along the way I put pressure on myself, I put expectations on myself, and the “people” in my head told me I needed to blog everyday, that they needed it.
So, I’m giving myself the freedom to not post every day, not to force this blog but to let it come as it does, naturally, inspired. And I’m hoping that the surprise, the out of the ordinary, the random, sporadic posts will be sweeter because they won’t be expected, they won’t be routine.
As seasons change, they change us. But when the changes make us lose focus one  The One who never changes, we’ve got to change things.

Phrase of Praise

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Everyone tells her she’s a great singer. I wonder if anyone has ever told her she’s a loyal friend?

Everyone tells him he’s a great leader. I wonder if anyone has ever told him he’s a great listener?

Everyone tells her she’s super funny. I wonder if anyone has ever told her how genuine she is?

Everyone tells him he’s a great videographer. I wonder if anyone has ever told him how considerate of others he is?

Everyone told her she loves people well. I wonder if anyone ever told her she’s a great problem solver?

“Everyone needs to know they are more than what they are praised for most.”

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Compliments have a lot of weight don’t they? They feed our self perception. A thumbs up to our strengths, compliments breed confidence. Encouragement empowers. But what about when compliments become so repetitive they grow stale? This occurs when we only receive compliments on our surface level strengths, the typical, the things we are prone to be praised about and praise in others.

It’s easy to praise people for the blatant, the obvious strengths that they show. But, it takes more time, effort, discernment, and intentionality to see the underlying heartbeat of a person; to dissect the interwoven characteristics of their foundation, their makeup.

Compliments that made my heart sing most are the rare ones, the ones I’ve never heard before. The ones where someone points something out in me that has never, or rarely been noted about me. Sometimes these are things I never even saw in myself. It’s amazing how with one phrase of praise a latent strength in someone can be brought to the forefront and be nurtured and grow. I wonder how many people today are doing something they never saw themselves doing simply because someone took the time to see something in them and say something about it.

So I challenge you, and I challenge me, to be more intentional about the praise we give others. Let’s get to know people beyond the surface so we can know their deeper strengths. Let’s be more perceptive. Let’s stop speaking in general praise, and take the time to be specific in our encouragement. Instead of telling someone that the love people well, give them an example of a time they did. Instead of telling someone they are a great leader, focus on an exact time they led well or a characteristic they exhibit of a great leader.

Write someone a note of encouragement today, pointing out something you really appreciate about them. Make it a weekly thing, a monthly thing. Let’s pour fresh praise upon hearts that are dry. For the Creator is too creative, making every human so beautifully complex for us to be confined to their surface strengths. For when we praise a person, the praise rolls to their Creator.

Entering Dangerous Territory | Part One

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I recently grabbed a meal with a friend. We hadn’t seen each other for awhile and we had a lot of catching up to do. We sat and talked for quite awhile about new things and updates on old things.

Then, it happened, as conversations tend to do. “Did you hear what they are doing?!” Running out of things to say about ourselves, just like that, the conversation shifted from about us to about them. And we entered dangerous territory, but we didn’t know it.

I sat around a table of people and we were sharing about fun things going on in our lives. The conversation was fun and full of questions and laughter. Then, it happened. “Can you believe he did _____? It makes me so angry that he is so unorganized!” And the next thing I knew the conversation was no longer about us but about him. Again, dangerous territory had been entered.

My spirit felt off. And the Spirit illuminated, conviction.

“Gossip is a sin rarely disciplined but often more socially destructive than the sensational sins.” -Ray Ortlund

This dangerous territory? The land of gossip.

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I’ve labeled it “networking,” “venting,” or “sharing.” The line has been blurred so much that I don’t know what gossip is, I don’t think I ever have. I know it’s sin, but I don’t know what it is. I’ve never heard a sermon explicitly on it (sadly), but I know the Bible speaks very strongly against it. It’s time to stop being ignorant.

So I began to research, to ask questions and seek answers about this dangerous territory.

And I’ve discovered some beneficial resources. One of which is a book called “Resisting Gossip: Winning the War of the Waging Tongue” by Matthew C. Mitchell. It is currently packaged and traveling to my mailbox.

Join me over the next few months on my journey into gossip: gossip defined, biblical warnings against it, the sin of being a gossiper, the sin of listening to gossip, the effects/dangers of gossip, the reasons why we gossip, how the gospel gives us freedom from gossip, and practical ways to battle gossip.

I have no idea what lies ahead. It’s probably going to get a little uncomfortable. I feel there will be, I pray there will be, much conviction and repentance. We will have to change.

But this territory is too dangerous not to explore. This sin kills. God’s grace is to costly to remain comfortable, ignorant and apathetic. It’s time to start putting out fires, rather than spreading them like dragons.

On Counting Blessings and Calories

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I was a chubster growing up. When hubs sees pictures of me, he laughs, and so do I. What can I say? I enjoyed my after school snacks of Slurpees, Cheetos, and French Fries maybe a little too much (and no, not all in the same day).

When I got to Junior High, sports became a huge part of my life. And I began to slim out. High school resulted in even more weight lose as I grew, matured, and was more active in sports, playing volleyball both for school and for a club team.

When I got to college I quickly gained the “freshman fifteen” thanks to Caf food and late night runs to Whataburger for Honey Butter Chicken Biscuits. Not to mention all the events with free food! That’s the best way to get college students to anything, after all.

My junior year I decided to start running again, and trained to successfully complete two half marathons. I stopped running for awhile (after overusing a tendon in my foot putting me in a boot). But picked it up again and completed another half marathon my senior year.

My weight fluctuated after that, as my running did. I thought that if I worked out I could eat whatever I wanted to. When I stopped running, I would pack on some pounds. When I started running again, I was slim down a little.

When I got engaged, I was living at home, ran routinely each morning to clear my mind, was stressed and busy with wedding planning, and depressed over my current job situation and transition out of college. All of this partnered together to shed some pounds. I didn’t exactly plan to go on a “wedding diet,” but I did slim up. I felt great in my dress on my wedding day!

Then marriage began. I began eating the same portions as my husband (who can literally eat pretty much whatever he wants and still look super slim thanks to his awesome metabolism that I hope our kids are blessed with). I felt pressure to eat more because I didn’t want to waste the food we made. Cooking for two is hard. We also enjoyed eating out and trying new restaurants in our new neighborhood. On top of that I was working at a bundt cake bakery, and let’s just say bundts go straight to the butt. I never knew how much I love sweets until I lived with someone who doesn’t. I never realized I was a snacker until I lived with someone who isn’t. I never knew my eating habits were sort of out of whack until there was someone questioning, out of love, why I ate certain things, or amount of things. Also, I began to realize food was a comfort for me. When I was having a bad day, I “deserved” a treat to cheer me up. (And during the first few months of marriage I was having a huge struggle with identity and purpose, so of there were lots of opportunities for treat days). When something good happened, I “deserved” to celebrate with a treat!

All these years I had never really struggled with my weight or body image. I was never the slimmest of my friends. I was blessed with “big bones.” I had just come to accept it. Yes, some days I felt fat, and when seasons changed and my clothes didn’t fit I felt a little discouraged. But it wasn’t until a few months ago that I realized I had the wrong mindset in regards to food. It’s not that food controlled me, it’s just that I didn’t really think I needed to control what I ate, I wasn’t mindful of the effects it had on me. I was ignorant of what I was actually putting in my body. I was pretty passive toward food. I realized I wasn’t being a good steward of the body God had given me.

A few weeks ago I asked my mom about a three day diet I knew her and my dad had done before. I wanted to kick start a new lifestyle (including running again). So I began the diet, and it was rough. I was hungry all the time, revealing that my body was used to massive portions. Therefore when I ate smaller, healthier portions and foods, my body was longing for more. It was used to something else. It needed to be retrained. I also realized that my portions were not balanced. I looked at the plate of what the diet called for and saw a different ratio of veggies to meat than I usually see on my plate. Sometimes it’s not about eating less, it’s about eating more of the right things. Those three days opened my mind to the fact that I need to be more mindful about the things I am putting in my body. It also made me more thankful for the tastes of food.

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After the diet ended, I downloaded a calorie counting app. Not only does this app allow me to count calories, but the other nutritional values of food (protein, fats, carbs, etc.) as well. It gives me goals to stay under each day for each category. (And by the way, I am aware that there are people who say calorie counting doesn’t work, just like there are always haters for everything, and people who say that anything you eat causes cancer…*sarcasm*).

I have been using the app for about two weeks now, and it has really changed my diet. The other night hubs and I went out to dinner and dessert. As I looked at the menu trying to decide between two things I said “I will go with this one, since it has less calories.” “I’ve never heard you say that before!” said a surprised husband. He could see a change in me.

This isn’t about losing weight, it’s about a mindset change, it’s about being more mindful and practicing self control. It’s not about not enjoying food, it’s about finding more enjoyment by enjoying foods in moderation. It’s not about being legalistic and always saying no to “unhealthy foods”. It’s about being free to take time to really savor foods (not just scarf them down) and praise God for the wide variety of foods He has given us and the nutrients He offers us through them. It’s about being a better steward. It’s about being more mindful in general.

I’ve found that counting calories is a lot like counting your blessings. It’s an intentional way of stepping into the moment and gathering the richness of life.

MOMents

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Today is my mom’s birthday. So today is dedicated to her!

A few days ago she sent me the link to a competition Kirkland’s is putting on in honor of Mother’s day. (More info here).

“I would be interested in knowing your favorite moment…and you could probably win this with your awesome writing ability!!”

The competition seems simple, take a moment to tell about your favorite memory with mom. But for a verbose lassie like me, it becomes difficult when the character limit is 1,000. So below is what I started with before the condensing took place.

Love you, Mom!


I used to live in the forest. Until one day a human said “that one,” and the next thing I knew, a sharp object cut me in the side. Thud. I fell to the ground. Other sharp objects cut me and shaped me. Then they stuck pointy objects in me to put me back together, but not like before. Then they took me to the store. I sat there for days until finally a human said “that one” and took me home. Each day a lady would come visit me. Each day she would come and I would rock her back and forth. As the days passed I could tell she was getting a little more heavier as the months passed. Then she stopped coming. I worried that something was wrong.

After a few nights she returned to visit with a strange object in her arms that was making very loud and annoying noises. As I rocked she began to sing and her new born baby was soothed.

Years passed and the two came to visit me occasionally. As I rocked them, the older lady would hold the little lady in her lap and listen to her share of bad days, fears, friendships changing, disappointments, and heartbreaks. Tears from the little lady rolled down and fell on my arms. The older lady held the little lady close and told her how she was loved and that everything was going to be okay. And the little lady was soothed.

Their visits became fewer as the little lady blossomed and grew. But when a visit was necessary along they came.

Then one strange night they came to visit, but I realized something had changed, some was different. The older lady was now sitting in the lap of the little lady. The older lady was in tears and the little lady was listening and holding her close. As I rocked them, I knew I was witnessing a rare moment of reciprocal, genuine love. The daughter was now in turn doing what her mother had done for so many years.

I am a rocking chair. And I am witness of some of the most beautiful MOMents.

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